**I wrote this a week ago and since then, much has happened and we've been in Halloween prep mode. Pictures of that coming soon...AND we leave for Disney in 12 days. The kids do not know yet!!! We plan to do the big reveal in a week. I'm so exited to see their reactions!
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Miller loves to color. From the moment she wakes up until right before bed, she is coloring something. When she gets home from school, she goes straight to the crayons. She loves to color in her coloring books, and right now, everything she does is in "rainbow". Many many colors go into each and every page. (unlike the hot pink phase she was in just a few months ago). She puts a painstaking amount of time into each and every picture.
I love her pictures. We hang them up and save most of them. But, as much as I love them and save them, I can't hold on to every single thing her crayon touches. Some things she may only finish half of, and some things....well, we just don't need 20 half colored pictures of Dora. ALL parents have to get rid of art at some point, and it's something moms often talk about. We can't possibly hold on to it all or we'll be a candidate for the show Hoarders.
I have learned that I have to be very very careful when I throw things away. I have been busted before and always played it off pretty well. "Oh my gosh! HOW IN THE WORLD did that get in the trash???"
Two days ago, I was folding clothes upstairs when I heard a shriek and sobs from downstairs. Sobs like I rarely hear from Miller. I flew down the stairs thinking that something terrible had happened to her or maybe the cat. When I found her, she had the trash can open, and on top, was a neatly folded pile of about ten of her pictures. (pictures that I had thrown away and forgot to hide at the bottom) Her face was buried in her hands, she was crying uncontrollably, and she had tears rolling down her cheeks. I was busted, and in a terrible way. There was no hiding it this time- I tried to tell her it was an accident at first, but she wasn't buying it. She just looked at me with a frown and I knew she knew it was no accident. Then I tried to tell her that the ones in the trash only had a few lines on them- which was true. They were only partially done. But that didn't matter to her. They were all equally important in her four year old eyes. And she was hurt- truly devastated- that her own mother would do this.
PARENTING FAIL.
The thing about Miller is that she is so different from her brother, so sometimes we forget that we need to be extra careful around her. We have thrown away Colby's stuff in the past, and it has never phased him. I'm sure he's seen it in the trash. But Miller is sensitive. And that sensitivity is what makes her so thoughtful...she is so kind and so considerate of her friends and family. Don't get me wrong- I love that Colby has a thick skin and lets things roll of his back- that is absolutely perfect in a boy. But I do appreciate that Miller is a bit more sensitive.
On another note, I feel that time is moving too fast. Sometimes I look at them and think: "This is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be."
One thing I do with them each night is lay with them in their beds for about 5 minutes. Colby likes to draw this out as long as possible, often talking about school. When I try to leave, he will quickly say "WAIT! I forgot to tell you something very important!" When I ask him what, he will panic and try to come up with something really interesting. Usually about school. And I know he just wants to keep me in there. It's such a nice time with him because he is seldom quiet or still. And he rarely tells me much about school. I love that even though he's such a tough kid, he still wants his mama to lay with him and looks forward to it every single night.
When I lay with Miller, she likes to have a "rolling tickle", which is basically a term she came up with for a back rub, also on her arms and legs. She will roll up her sleeves and hike up her pajama pants, and then she asks me to sing the rolling tickle song. (The lyrics are: "Rolling tickle, rolling tickle, rolling tickle on the big big girl.") I supposed in a few years she might want me to change the lyrics, but for now, she demands it every single night.
Recently, she has also discovered massage, and now she likes to cap off her rolling tickle with a little back massage. After all of that, I still lay with her and then have to give her a one minute warning before I leave. Even when it's time to leave, she tries to latch onto me and not let me go. I tell her if she doesn't let go I won't come back the next night. She eventually lets go, and then we start the process all over again the next night.
After I have lain (thanks mom, the English major) with them both, I can't go downstairs. I have to stay up stairs in my room because there will be requests. More water. I have to go to the bathroom. I need to be tucked in again. I lost my bear. I need itchy cream. (for Miller's eczema)
It does extend bedtime by about 15 minutes. Sometimes I groan at the thought of delaying my own peace and quiet by 20 more minutes. The days can be so long. Lee often says "Why do you do this to yourself?" I try and remind myself that one day, when they are teenagers shutting the door in my face, I will know that I laid down with them. Every night. I didn't take for granted that time, and I knew they would grow up one day.
With Colby, the passing of time has been a little easier because with age, comes maturity. He has been a bit of a challenge at every age, so it has been rewarding to see him grow and become a wonderful little boy. Being with him one on one is one of my favorite things. It's also easier because he's the oldest, and I know that there's always going to be someone younger. But time is still moving too fast.
With Miller, it has been a little different. She has always been easy, and ever since she was six months old, I have wished that time would slow down. I have loved every age and always think to myself "she can't possible get any sweeter or cuter". And then she does.
I know one day, I will look back and wonder "Did I appreciate it? Did I do all that I could have done with them?" Well, of course the answer is no. No parent ever does everything they could do. But I will hopefully remember that I felt this way. I was aware that time was moving too fast and that I wanted to keep them just as they are. I cherished our times together, despite the days where I just wanted to be alone at the end of the day. I took a moment each day to really look at them and see just how amazing they really are. I know I'll still miss them being little one day, but hopefully I can read this post and remind myself that I did not take it all for granted.
