Wow, it's good to be back.
I have had a lot of guilt over stopping the blog book, and Colby has been begging me for years to start it up again. The kids love reading the blog books in their room and laugh over all the hilarious memories. It seems like such an awesome gift to give them for the rest of their lives. Maybe they will even read the books to their own children. Maybe my grandchildren will read to their own children and think...wow these people are really old.
Baby Grimes is due August 5th with a schedule induction date of July 30! The kids are both very excited. However, Miller has big plans to be come the baby's second mommy. She wants to do it all...play, rock, change diapers. I frequently find her sitting in the baby's room reading or even in his crib, imagining what it would be like to be him.
It's pretty crazy being pregnant at the age of 43. I find myself wavering between excitement and thinking "What the hell have I done?" I hope this is a good thing for our family. I hope once this baby arrives, we all just know he was meant to be a part of our family. But I have to admit- I'm scared. Who will he be? What will our family be like? Will it all be ok? Will I ever have a life again? I guess these questions will be answered in time, and hopefully it will be obvious that this little baby was meant to be part of our family all along.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Friday, August 11, 2017
Well it's been more than a year...
We just got back from Canada! School starts in two weeks! Colby will be new at St. Annes- 5th, and Miller is going into 4th.
I wanted to update the "funny things" list
3/3/16:
Colby at bed time "Mom, can a penis be double jointed?"
4/18/16:
Colby tried to call 911 because I took all the electronics away. He was totally serious and Miller was screaming.
5/20/16
Miller had a little poop come out in her pants while playing at the Crozet playground with her friend Willa but she told me she buried it.
6/21/16
Miller said at bed time "Good night to my most favorite person in the whole world."
4/1/17:
Miller is terrified of the Easter bunny (half bunny, half human) breaking into the Homestead house!
5/817:
Miller will wanted a "Yonk" peppermint patty at the Mexican restaurant. She actually asked for 35 cents to buy a "yonk".
9/14/17:
I asked Miller is she liked her new tennis instructor. She said yes, but he has a smell.
"what kind of smell?" I asked
"He's one of those people who smells like a garage. Or maybe an unfinished basement."
9/24/17:
Miller: "Colby, you're a big jerk!"
Me: What happened?
Miller: He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand fo ra surprise, and it's always the same thing- a leg hair or a fart!
Me: Why do you keep holding your hand out?
Miller: "Because one time it was a smartie".
#littlesisterproblems
I wanted to update the "funny things" list
3/3/16:
Colby at bed time "Mom, can a penis be double jointed?"
4/18/16:
Colby tried to call 911 because I took all the electronics away. He was totally serious and Miller was screaming.
5/20/16
Miller had a little poop come out in her pants while playing at the Crozet playground with her friend Willa but she told me she buried it.
6/21/16
Miller said at bed time "Good night to my most favorite person in the whole world."
4/1/17:
Miller is terrified of the Easter bunny (half bunny, half human) breaking into the Homestead house!
5/817:
Miller will wanted a "Yonk" peppermint patty at the Mexican restaurant. She actually asked for 35 cents to buy a "yonk".
9/14/17:
I asked Miller is she liked her new tennis instructor. She said yes, but he has a smell.
"what kind of smell?" I asked
"He's one of those people who smells like a garage. Or maybe an unfinished basement."
9/24/17:
Miller: "Colby, you're a big jerk!"
Me: What happened?
Miller: He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand fo ra surprise, and it's always the same thing- a leg hair or a fart!
Me: Why do you keep holding your hand out?
Miller: "Because one time it was a smartie".
#littlesisterproblems
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas
Well, Halloween wasn't much to write home about. Colby was very sick the week leading up to Halloween, but we took him in twice, and each time they told us it was just a virus. They couldn't hear anything in his chest, but he kept getting sicker. By Halloween, day 6 or so, his fever was at 104.5 and he was laying in the middle of the floor while Lee was handing out candy. I was stuck outside with Miller but ended up handing her off to friends so I could take care of Colby. Poor little buddy. The next day we took him to a walk in clinic in Waynesboro where they can do chest x rays, and sure enough, he has pneumonia. Wouldn't you know! Thank God we followed our own instincts and took him.
We thought we were in the clear until about 10 days later when Miller felt bad during her first sleep over (with Sofie- Svetlana's daughter) and ended up crying and homesick all night because she felt bad. By the time I picked her up from synchro, her fever was 101 and she was getting worse quickly. I also started to feel bad, and so did Lee, so later that day we all got chest x rays and sure enough we had pneumonia, too. Who knew bacterial pneumonia was contagious!? Well now we know.
Colby had two friends bring him bags of candy and it totally made his (and my) day. The friends were Julian and Harrison. It really is the small things and small gestures that matter in life.
Thankfully we all recovered pretty quickly since we caught it early, and we were able to spend Thanksgiving in Richmond with everyone. The boys still play well with Colby and Miller- especially Braden- and I hope they have these memories forever. They worship their older cousins. I fear Braden will be growing a little too old for it soon, so I want to make as much effort as we can to get to Richmond for special occasions.
Peepie Miller's 100th birthday was amazing. She was completely lucid, talking, and her eyes were open. She seemed so much better than most of our visits in the past year. When I told her she looked 10 years younger, she said "Good, then go find me a boyfriend." She hasn't lost her sass! She got letters from people in Jackson who are still alive and knew her well, and those were read to her at the party. It was very special and she was a very loved lady. I told her the other day on the phone that I hoped I could be a grandmother like she was because she set the bar so high. She said "I didn't know you thought that of me". That's sad because I guess I haven't told her enough how amazing I think she is. She is always doing things, planning things, and thinking about what she can plan next. She's truly a social organizer of people and would have made a perfect career out of that. She never went anywhere without looking her best- makeup, shoes, skirt, etc. Visiting her at the lake are my best childhood memories. We would always have a gigantic goody basket waiting for us full of candy, and Big Lou would have coins poured all over my bed. She made such a big production of our visit and made us all feel so special. I didn't lift a finger during those trips. I loved sitting on the rocking chairs and just watching the lake. I could do it for hours and hours. I wonder if that's why I like rocking and quietness so much. I miss that feeling of the lake but it will live on inside me forever. I just wish I could go back and take my kids there, sit on the porch. We have a porch at the homestead, but it's not quite the same for me. Maybe because I'm the one taking care of things, cooking food, etc. Back then, it was a carefree time.
Christmas was pretty awesome for the kids this year. Ben and Patsy were here and it was a nice visit, although it's a whole lot of work for me and Lee when they come. There is no rest for the weary. The kids said it was their "best Christmas ever!". Oh dear- I hope we haven't set the bar too high. They got a ps4, hover boards, and miller got an electric scooter. Oh, and lots and lots of legos. We had Christmas dinner here and I made an effort to make a really special looking table this year. It turned out beautifully and we had Nan and Pop come join us, too.
I wrote about this before, but I'm seriously worried about my memory. Could I really have early alzheimers? I need to get off all medication and see if that's affecting it. I want to get healthy this Year. My goals are to say bed time prayers with the kids, list three things we are grateful for each night, to say blessing before family meals (we need to learn one), and to go to church.
I'm going through a transitional period with friends. I've realized that some friends I thought I could trust maybe I cannot, and some friendships are just sort of fizzling out. Others I knew they would because I intentionally stopped investing in the friendship. So now, i'm not sure who my good friends are here. I have one- Katie. And many other pretty good friends. But I'm definitely not in a group anymore. Maybe that's ok and that's where I'm supposed to be. It seems like we shouldn't be going through stuff like this at age 40, but I'm learning it just never stops. I feel good about it though because I know I'm on the right path.
Lee and I are taking a parenting course that is two hours once a week, and it's all about being their for your kids and supporting them- not punishing and scolding. It seems like it's helping Colby be nicer to Miller because maybe he's not getting yelled at as much therefore he's happier? I'm not sure...time will tell. But we think we are headed down the right path this time.
But really, I'm terrified about my memory which is why I'm starting these blog updates again. I need to go back and see what my life has been like!
We thought we were in the clear until about 10 days later when Miller felt bad during her first sleep over (with Sofie- Svetlana's daughter) and ended up crying and homesick all night because she felt bad. By the time I picked her up from synchro, her fever was 101 and she was getting worse quickly. I also started to feel bad, and so did Lee, so later that day we all got chest x rays and sure enough we had pneumonia, too. Who knew bacterial pneumonia was contagious!? Well now we know.
Colby had two friends bring him bags of candy and it totally made his (and my) day. The friends were Julian and Harrison. It really is the small things and small gestures that matter in life.
Thankfully we all recovered pretty quickly since we caught it early, and we were able to spend Thanksgiving in Richmond with everyone. The boys still play well with Colby and Miller- especially Braden- and I hope they have these memories forever. They worship their older cousins. I fear Braden will be growing a little too old for it soon, so I want to make as much effort as we can to get to Richmond for special occasions.
Peepie Miller's 100th birthday was amazing. She was completely lucid, talking, and her eyes were open. She seemed so much better than most of our visits in the past year. When I told her she looked 10 years younger, she said "Good, then go find me a boyfriend." She hasn't lost her sass! She got letters from people in Jackson who are still alive and knew her well, and those were read to her at the party. It was very special and she was a very loved lady. I told her the other day on the phone that I hoped I could be a grandmother like she was because she set the bar so high. She said "I didn't know you thought that of me". That's sad because I guess I haven't told her enough how amazing I think she is. She is always doing things, planning things, and thinking about what she can plan next. She's truly a social organizer of people and would have made a perfect career out of that. She never went anywhere without looking her best- makeup, shoes, skirt, etc. Visiting her at the lake are my best childhood memories. We would always have a gigantic goody basket waiting for us full of candy, and Big Lou would have coins poured all over my bed. She made such a big production of our visit and made us all feel so special. I didn't lift a finger during those trips. I loved sitting on the rocking chairs and just watching the lake. I could do it for hours and hours. I wonder if that's why I like rocking and quietness so much. I miss that feeling of the lake but it will live on inside me forever. I just wish I could go back and take my kids there, sit on the porch. We have a porch at the homestead, but it's not quite the same for me. Maybe because I'm the one taking care of things, cooking food, etc. Back then, it was a carefree time.
Christmas was pretty awesome for the kids this year. Ben and Patsy were here and it was a nice visit, although it's a whole lot of work for me and Lee when they come. There is no rest for the weary. The kids said it was their "best Christmas ever!". Oh dear- I hope we haven't set the bar too high. They got a ps4, hover boards, and miller got an electric scooter. Oh, and lots and lots of legos. We had Christmas dinner here and I made an effort to make a really special looking table this year. It turned out beautifully and we had Nan and Pop come join us, too.
I wrote about this before, but I'm seriously worried about my memory. Could I really have early alzheimers? I need to get off all medication and see if that's affecting it. I want to get healthy this Year. My goals are to say bed time prayers with the kids, list three things we are grateful for each night, to say blessing before family meals (we need to learn one), and to go to church.
I'm going through a transitional period with friends. I've realized that some friends I thought I could trust maybe I cannot, and some friendships are just sort of fizzling out. Others I knew they would because I intentionally stopped investing in the friendship. So now, i'm not sure who my good friends are here. I have one- Katie. And many other pretty good friends. But I'm definitely not in a group anymore. Maybe that's ok and that's where I'm supposed to be. It seems like we shouldn't be going through stuff like this at age 40, but I'm learning it just never stops. I feel good about it though because I know I'm on the right path.
Lee and I are taking a parenting course that is two hours once a week, and it's all about being their for your kids and supporting them- not punishing and scolding. It seems like it's helping Colby be nicer to Miller because maybe he's not getting yelled at as much therefore he's happier? I'm not sure...time will tell. But we think we are headed down the right path this time.
But really, I'm terrified about my memory which is why I'm starting these blog updates again. I need to go back and see what my life has been like!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
School's back
I've decided that I want to write things down as I think of them because I know I will forget everything. I want to make a point to do this every once in a while. I'm not going to edit or proof read...just write.
I'm sitting in my house on the third week of school. Miller is in 2nd, Colby is in 3rd. Miller has Mrs. Walton and a new friend Aster, as well as a good friend named Emily. Colby has Mr. Balance and is in class with his buddies Thomas, Julian, and Dillon. It's going to be a great school year for them both.
I feel sad because I know these days are just slipping by so fast. I LOVE these days....well, most of them. The days are often hard and challenging, particularly with Colby. But I love the little things so much. My favorite thing is just to sit at their swim practices and watch them swim. I'm not sure why, but it brings me an immense amount of joy to sit there at the pool. I love our little snuggle times at night and our chats. The one on one time is my favorite. Lee always says I have doomed myself with a long bed time routine, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
The most challenging thing with our kids has been managing Colby's medication and figuring out what he needs. After three years on various medications for ADHD (stimulants and non-stimulants) we have added in Prozac. It has seemed to help very much, but as soon as I say something is great, it changes. Poor little guy has been through so much and life has been very hard for him. Imagine feeling irritable day in and day out and having no energy left for simple daily tasks. That's where he was before we added in the Prozac. I worry all the time about the long term effects of these medications. BUT, not giving him the medication is a known bad effect. He would struggle in school and struggle to focus on his activities. Without the prozac, he just wasn't happy much of the time. We have not taken this lightly at all...medication is a last resort. But, it has been the only option left for us. Colby is such an amazing little boy, and I want him to feel happy and confident as he continues to grow.
Miller is still my little ray of sunshine and brings joy into every day. She loves her brother so much and will do anything for him. I worry sometimes that she does the wrong things to earn his affection (giving him her money, buying him wii apps with her money, giving him her candy), and I don't want this to be a pattern when she's older. Hopefully she will not be attracted to men who treat her nice one day and not nice the next...and hopefully she won't feel she has to do things for them to earn their affection.
Colby has started flag football and absolutely loves it. I am pretty sure he will be playing football one day. He's also swimming, but he's not loving it because he moved up to Junior 2 and feels that he isn't as fast as they are. Miller is also swimming CYAC as a Junior 1 and she seems to love it so far. She also really loves playing the piano and has a knack for teaching herself songs.
I want to look back and know that I DID realize how precious these days are. I know! I think about it every day, and sometimes feel so sad that things are changing so fast and my little ones aren't that little. I have LOVED being their mom and can't imagine not having them here with me. Oh it makes me broken hearted to think about Miller going to college. She's my little best friend and I tell her that. I hope we will always be best friends.
Some funny stuff:
2/25/15 (age 6)
Miller was surprised to learn that Nan is almost 70. She said that Nan seemed 45 and that most people 70 used a walking stick.
I'm sitting in my house on the third week of school. Miller is in 2nd, Colby is in 3rd. Miller has Mrs. Walton and a new friend Aster, as well as a good friend named Emily. Colby has Mr. Balance and is in class with his buddies Thomas, Julian, and Dillon. It's going to be a great school year for them both.
I feel sad because I know these days are just slipping by so fast. I LOVE these days....well, most of them. The days are often hard and challenging, particularly with Colby. But I love the little things so much. My favorite thing is just to sit at their swim practices and watch them swim. I'm not sure why, but it brings me an immense amount of joy to sit there at the pool. I love our little snuggle times at night and our chats. The one on one time is my favorite. Lee always says I have doomed myself with a long bed time routine, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
The most challenging thing with our kids has been managing Colby's medication and figuring out what he needs. After three years on various medications for ADHD (stimulants and non-stimulants) we have added in Prozac. It has seemed to help very much, but as soon as I say something is great, it changes. Poor little guy has been through so much and life has been very hard for him. Imagine feeling irritable day in and day out and having no energy left for simple daily tasks. That's where he was before we added in the Prozac. I worry all the time about the long term effects of these medications. BUT, not giving him the medication is a known bad effect. He would struggle in school and struggle to focus on his activities. Without the prozac, he just wasn't happy much of the time. We have not taken this lightly at all...medication is a last resort. But, it has been the only option left for us. Colby is such an amazing little boy, and I want him to feel happy and confident as he continues to grow.
Miller is still my little ray of sunshine and brings joy into every day. She loves her brother so much and will do anything for him. I worry sometimes that she does the wrong things to earn his affection (giving him her money, buying him wii apps with her money, giving him her candy), and I don't want this to be a pattern when she's older. Hopefully she will not be attracted to men who treat her nice one day and not nice the next...and hopefully she won't feel she has to do things for them to earn their affection.
Colby has started flag football and absolutely loves it. I am pretty sure he will be playing football one day. He's also swimming, but he's not loving it because he moved up to Junior 2 and feels that he isn't as fast as they are. Miller is also swimming CYAC as a Junior 1 and she seems to love it so far. She also really loves playing the piano and has a knack for teaching herself songs.
I want to look back and know that I DID realize how precious these days are. I know! I think about it every day, and sometimes feel so sad that things are changing so fast and my little ones aren't that little. I have LOVED being their mom and can't imagine not having them here with me. Oh it makes me broken hearted to think about Miller going to college. She's my little best friend and I tell her that. I hope we will always be best friends.
Some funny stuff:
2/25/15 (age 6)
Miller was surprised to learn that Nan is almost 70. She said that Nan seemed 45 and that most people 70 used a walking stick.
3/7/15
Miller
"I wish there was a holiday called dessert for everything."
4/30
Miller teaching Colby about birth:
You eat a seed, it grows in your tummy, and then you poop it out.
5/13 age 6
From Tangled miller always says:
Mother knows best, listen to your mumsy cause it's none of your beeswax.
"I can talk England"
5/20
After getting crutches:
"One of my dreams came true today mommy."
5/22: mommy you have pieces of hair in your arm pit. Are you going to clean your arm pits out?
6/3:
Whenever Colby wants something badly he will say "may you please..."
6/20:
Colby when erica and Lisa were visiting:
Mom can I please skip basketball camp and spend the night here?
Because it's really special and I really like these people.
Miller doing taser to Colby on couch with erica and Alfred:
Colby:
Said to Miller when she was tickling him:
"That wasn't your best"
"try doing it to yourself"
"It gives me a funny feeling in my tummy."
6/22:
Miller After throwing up in the morning:
"I don't know how I got the stomach bug because I've had pants on, so it didn't come in through my butt."
6/23:
"You're my best friend mommy. My BFF. (Spells with finger). And if you go to heaven, you'll live here in my heart."
8/9:
A month or so ago, miller told me that when I died I would live in her heart. It freaked me out. Tonight, about a month later, she looked at me out of the blue and said "you'll be alive when you really aren't alive. That's because you'll visit me in my dreams after you die". We've never talked about any of this! I'm freaked out!!
Friday, February 6, 2015
Thoughts and memories
This isn't going to be cute, funny, or well written. I just need to jot down the facts and my thoughts.
I have been obsessing about two things lately.
1. My memory. It's horrible. I am finding myself putting things in weird places, forgetting to do things, and not remembering who I talked to about what. It's scary. It's even more upsetting to think that I won't remember this time with my family. I'm so worried about that, and that's why I feel like I need to keep writing in the blog. I love being a mom and I am so happy just doing the simple things- like tucking them in, snuggling, watching them swim, watching them play with friends on the trampoline.
Which brings me to the next thing...
2. I am obsessing and worrying daily about how quickly Colby and Miller are growing. It's going too fast and I feel like it's a moving train that I just can't slow down. I would be so much better off if I just enjoyed the moment instead of worrying about them growing up. But it's like I love it SO much and know it's going to come to an end one day, and that makes me so incredibly sad!! When I think back, I have always enjoyed their age and not obsessed about the past, only that the present is moving too fast. So, that means I should just enjoy the present because I will enjoy all the "presents" in the future. Does that make sense? I have also been worrying about when they both leave the house for college. What in the world will I do??
Now that no one is reading this blog, I'm not proofreading, and I know these sentences and thoughts are just jumbled together. I just need to get my thoughts on paper because it's bottled up inside me.
I want to be happy and enjoy the present. It is so hard. I'm so scared of not remembering all of this.
So here's an update:
Miller's bed time routine has grown since I last updated. Now, she crawls under the covers and it goes like this:
Miller: "Hi, what's your name?"
Me: "My name is _______ (tonight it was Hilda). What's your name?
Miller: "My name is _______. (tonight it was Matilda)
Miller" Where are you from?"
Me: I'm from _________. (Alabama, England, Hawaii....the answers are endless). Where are you from?
Miller: I'm from ___________. Want to see me now?
Me: That's impossible. That could never happen. You are too far away.
Miller: How long do you think it would take for me to visit you?
Me: A really really long time
Miller: (pops out from under the covers) "Helllooooo!"
Me: How did you do that?!?!
Miller: I have a teleporter at my house. (although lately it has been a fast jet)
So that's what we do every night after soldier hug. Then I give her a back rub and she reads some more.
Colby still gets his elaborate back rub and I need to apologize to his future wife...I hope he does not ask you to tickle his calves and rub his feet.
Here's a little about Colby right now:
-Loves to have "one more minute" several times at bed time
-Loves his football gloves. Loves football and wants to play but I won't let him.
-Loves to play with his friends. That's his favorite thing.
-Loves to be read to at night even though he can read himself.
-Loves to eat at the sushi restaurant. Gyoza, edamame, salad, shrimp tempura roll.
-Calls his shorts "short sleeve pants"
-Loves playing on the trampoline with his friends and making up games
-Only wears adidas pants. Hates pants in general.
-Loves skiing and is getting pretty good because he takes a little ski class with his friend Colin.
-The best time I have with Colby is at night when I'm reading to him and tucking him in. He loves to be snuggled and wants me to stay as long as I possibly can. He is so sweet at bed time and is finally relaxed enough to talk to me about his day or anything else.
We have had some ups and downs with Colby's medication. He took one in the fall that caused dizziness and nausea during exercise from September- December even though he wasn't taking the medication anymore. It was awful for him because he couldn't swim or participate in PE at school. He is finally better and on a new medicine (adderall) and things are so much better.
He has been getting sick a lot, though. Over Thanksgiving, I got the flu...it was actually on Thanksgiving day and I went to the hospital for the diagnosis. I then spread it to Miller and Lee. Miller had a fever of 105 and that was pretty scary. Colby got the flu over Christmas and also had a really high fever. Then, just a few days ago, he had the dreaded stomach bug. It was bad for about 4 or 5 hours and Lee moved his trundle bed into the bathroom. Thankfully he was pretty much better by the next day.
Here's a little about Miller right now:
-Current best friend is Molly in her class
-Loves to draw
-Loves St. Annes
-Loves to read and flies through books. I can't even keep enough around for her.
-Loves sweets. Poor girl has a wicked sweet tooth just like her mama.
-Loves coach Pat
-Likes skiing with her friend Marin
-Loves her brother and still makes him pictures
-Gives me great big hugs every day, many times a day. Every morning, every night, and all day in between. She loves her mama and I love her.
-Has her two front teeth missing right now. I want to freeze time.
-I have to remind myself that she is only 6 because she seems so much older. I want her to stay my little girl forever. I find myself getting sad at the thought of her dating because I don't want to be second fiddle to anyone. Isn't that crazy?
Swimming is going great for both Colby and Miller. They are both 6 and 8, so they are at the top of their age groups for CYAC swimming. Summer will be awesome for them, too. Knock on wood...
Lee is going out of town for three weeks and is leaving in a week. I am DREADING it. I get scared at night when he's not home. I can't even imagine having him gone that long. He helps so much with packing lunches, dinners, carpool. I can't even wrap my brain around doing it all myself. Ugh.
Funny things:
At the last swim meet, Charlie and Miller wrote graffiti on the YMCA white board with a sharpie marker. It said "preschool stinks" "cat poop" and "dog poop".
The other day, she was holding my tweezers in the bathroom and said "Mommy, I really wanted my own tweeters for Christmas and my own dentures". (my retainer)
Well, that's all for now...
I have been obsessing about two things lately.
1. My memory. It's horrible. I am finding myself putting things in weird places, forgetting to do things, and not remembering who I talked to about what. It's scary. It's even more upsetting to think that I won't remember this time with my family. I'm so worried about that, and that's why I feel like I need to keep writing in the blog. I love being a mom and I am so happy just doing the simple things- like tucking them in, snuggling, watching them swim, watching them play with friends on the trampoline.
Which brings me to the next thing...
2. I am obsessing and worrying daily about how quickly Colby and Miller are growing. It's going too fast and I feel like it's a moving train that I just can't slow down. I would be so much better off if I just enjoyed the moment instead of worrying about them growing up. But it's like I love it SO much and know it's going to come to an end one day, and that makes me so incredibly sad!! When I think back, I have always enjoyed their age and not obsessed about the past, only that the present is moving too fast. So, that means I should just enjoy the present because I will enjoy all the "presents" in the future. Does that make sense? I have also been worrying about when they both leave the house for college. What in the world will I do??
Now that no one is reading this blog, I'm not proofreading, and I know these sentences and thoughts are just jumbled together. I just need to get my thoughts on paper because it's bottled up inside me.
I want to be happy and enjoy the present. It is so hard. I'm so scared of not remembering all of this.
So here's an update:
Miller's bed time routine has grown since I last updated. Now, she crawls under the covers and it goes like this:
Miller: "Hi, what's your name?"
Me: "My name is _______ (tonight it was Hilda). What's your name?
Miller: "My name is _______. (tonight it was Matilda)
Miller" Where are you from?"
Me: I'm from _________. (Alabama, England, Hawaii....the answers are endless). Where are you from?
Miller: I'm from ___________. Want to see me now?
Me: That's impossible. That could never happen. You are too far away.
Miller: How long do you think it would take for me to visit you?
Me: A really really long time
Miller: (pops out from under the covers) "Helllooooo!"
Me: How did you do that?!?!
Miller: I have a teleporter at my house. (although lately it has been a fast jet)
So that's what we do every night after soldier hug. Then I give her a back rub and she reads some more.
Colby still gets his elaborate back rub and I need to apologize to his future wife...I hope he does not ask you to tickle his calves and rub his feet.
Here's a little about Colby right now:
-Loves to have "one more minute" several times at bed time
-Loves his football gloves. Loves football and wants to play but I won't let him.
-Loves to play with his friends. That's his favorite thing.
-Loves to be read to at night even though he can read himself.
-Loves to eat at the sushi restaurant. Gyoza, edamame, salad, shrimp tempura roll.
-Calls his shorts "short sleeve pants"
-Loves playing on the trampoline with his friends and making up games
-Only wears adidas pants. Hates pants in general.
-Loves skiing and is getting pretty good because he takes a little ski class with his friend Colin.
-The best time I have with Colby is at night when I'm reading to him and tucking him in. He loves to be snuggled and wants me to stay as long as I possibly can. He is so sweet at bed time and is finally relaxed enough to talk to me about his day or anything else.
We have had some ups and downs with Colby's medication. He took one in the fall that caused dizziness and nausea during exercise from September- December even though he wasn't taking the medication anymore. It was awful for him because he couldn't swim or participate in PE at school. He is finally better and on a new medicine (adderall) and things are so much better.
He has been getting sick a lot, though. Over Thanksgiving, I got the flu...it was actually on Thanksgiving day and I went to the hospital for the diagnosis. I then spread it to Miller and Lee. Miller had a fever of 105 and that was pretty scary. Colby got the flu over Christmas and also had a really high fever. Then, just a few days ago, he had the dreaded stomach bug. It was bad for about 4 or 5 hours and Lee moved his trundle bed into the bathroom. Thankfully he was pretty much better by the next day.
Here's a little about Miller right now:
-Current best friend is Molly in her class
-Loves to draw
-Loves St. Annes
-Loves to read and flies through books. I can't even keep enough around for her.
-Loves sweets. Poor girl has a wicked sweet tooth just like her mama.
-Loves coach Pat
-Likes skiing with her friend Marin
-Loves her brother and still makes him pictures
-Gives me great big hugs every day, many times a day. Every morning, every night, and all day in between. She loves her mama and I love her.
-Has her two front teeth missing right now. I want to freeze time.
-I have to remind myself that she is only 6 because she seems so much older. I want her to stay my little girl forever. I find myself getting sad at the thought of her dating because I don't want to be second fiddle to anyone. Isn't that crazy?
Swimming is going great for both Colby and Miller. They are both 6 and 8, so they are at the top of their age groups for CYAC swimming. Summer will be awesome for them, too. Knock on wood...
Lee is going out of town for three weeks and is leaving in a week. I am DREADING it. I get scared at night when he's not home. I can't even imagine having him gone that long. He helps so much with packing lunches, dinners, carpool. I can't even wrap my brain around doing it all myself. Ugh.
Funny things:
At the last swim meet, Charlie and Miller wrote graffiti on the YMCA white board with a sharpie marker. It said "preschool stinks" "cat poop" and "dog poop".
The other day, she was holding my tweezers in the bathroom and said "Mommy, I really wanted my own tweeters for Christmas and my own dentures". (my retainer)
Well, that's all for now...
Monday, December 1, 2014
Bed time routines
Bed time routines are elaborate in this house. Lee always says "Why do you do this to yourself?" because inevitably, I spend an hour laying with the kids, rubbing backs, reading books, and snuggling. We are both usually exhausted at this point and want to relax, so it's a constant struggle to remember what's important. I don't want to look back and wish I had spent more time with them...I already know I will do that. I want to remember that I did give them that extra time at night...even if it's just a little bit every day.
I feel like I could never possibly forget all of these bed time rituals, but after reading the blog books with the kids, I've realized that I don't remember so much of what has happened. It makes me really sad to know these memories could be forgotten. So why will I remember this? I want to remember all of these precious times, and I'm going to make an effort to record the little things. It's the little things that really end up being the big things- you just don't realize it at the time.
With Colby, he really doesn't want to snuggle or hold my hand during the day, so this is really the only special time one-on-one time I get with him. Because he's trying to delay bed time, he will suddenly be open to talking about anything- school, swimming, friends, etc. Our routine for him starts with a tray of food brought up to his room by Lee...usually a grapefruit, bread and dipping oil, a dessert, and a fruit. This began when he was taking medication that reduced his appetite, so he truly needed the extra calories at night. Now, it's kind of just a habit because his current medication doesn't do that as much. After he eats, he gets read to by either me and Lee, and then part II of the routine begins. He gets an elaborate back rub (by me) that has a very particular order: back tickle, back massage, flip, stomach tickle, flip, feet and calf tickle. Then I lay with him for what's supposed to be 5 minutes. It always ends up more like 15, and I always say "one more minute" and make him repeat this back to me- otherwise he will claim he didn't hear me. Except it's never one more minute- we usually do this two or three times.
He does go right to sleep pretty quickly after all of this. If we start a stimulant medication soon, which we might do, things are going to get a little trickier because he will be hungrier and less tired. He still goes to sleep with his two duckies and his water bottle by his side. There's nothing I love more than seeing the sweet cuddly side of Colby, and I love knowing he still needs and wants his mamma.
Miller's routine is just as elaborate, but different. A year ago, she was very into doing "soldier hugs"- which means I had to lay stiff as a board in the CENTER of her bed, and she would lay stiff as a board on top of me. We would stay this way for a minute for our soldier hug.
Things have evolved now. Let me back up first and explain something that happened on Spring Break in Atlantis. Lee and Colby were down at the beach, and Miller and I were up in the hotel room. She was watching Dora, and I told her I was going down to the lobby to get a cup of coffee. Unbeknownst to me, she didn't hear me. When I got to the lobby, there was a very long line- about 30 minutes. It made me a little nervous, but I knew Miller knew where I was. Only she didn't. When I got up to the room, she was huddled in a chair, extremely upset, with tears streaming down her face. She thought she had been left. She looked out the window looking for Colby and dad, or me, and didn't see any of us. She told me she had decided that she was going to hide in the closet when the maids came. Smart girl- always planning ahead. I held her and assured her we would never ever leave her or forget her.
Something similar happened on the first day of school. (Colby's school starts before hers) I told her I was walking Colby to the far away bus stop, but she didn't understand that it was the one way up the hill- there's one by the playground and she thought that was what I meant. She looked outside after a few minutes, and I wasn't there. She began to panic and walked to our friend Jeanie's house and knocked on the door, but no one was home. I was actually at the other bus stop talking to Jeanie. When I finally came back about 15 minutes later, she was huddled on the couch crying and once again, thought she had been left. Mommy fail- again. :(
Miller is sometimes afraid of being left now because of those incidents. In addition to that, I told Colby and Miller about how Hanna Graham had been "kidnapped". I told them this to highlight the fact that they need to stay with me in public, be careful, etc. Well, sometimes the message can be given in a much more delicate manner...no need to kill a fly with a hammer as they say. As a result, Miller now has a fear of being kidnapped. She also heard an Amber alert in a Dairy Queen about a year ago, and that just confirms to her that kids her age get kidnapped.
Back to bed time.
First, we do a version of the solider hug, but it's a game that Miller has made up. The person on the top says something like "When I say 'some sort of silly phrase', you hug me". Then she will say all sorts of random and silly things, and eventually she will say the special phrase. That's my cue to give her a very tight squeeze. Really tight- as tight as I can. Then we switch and I'm the one who has to say the phrase. After this, we snuggle and we have named it "huggies and snuggies".
When it's finally time to leave, she used to go right to sleep. Until recently. She started saying every single night "What if they do come?". And by "they" she means the kidnappers. She was and is truly terrified. The anxiety seems to creep in right at bed time and she can't stop thinking about it. I have tried everything to convince her that she will not be kidnapped, but she says "You cannot predict the future". Well, that's true- she's not stupid. The worst part about it is that she said to me "Mom, I know what it feels like to be kidnapped. I felt that way in the hotel room and when you went to the bus stop, and it's a really bad feeling." She said that it's feeling really alone and she doesn't want to feel that way again. We have tried to tell her we live in a safe place, have cameras, have an alarm, but it's not working. Recently, we told her we have a Marine flag, and that no one would ever try to come into a house where a Marine lives. That's not working either. So, I added a new part to our routine- a relaxation exercise. We start by taking three very deep belly breaths. Then, I go down her body bit by bit and tell her to relax that part. It starts with hair follicles (her choice) and ends with toes. She has also added in there "cheek puffs", "booby bellies" (boobies) and belly boobie. (belly button). I've also used this exercise to teach her about muscles and body parts- biceps, triceps, hamstrings, calves, shins, achilles tendon. After all of that, I tell her she is all relaxed and ready for sleep. I've started giving her LeMutt, and despite his ragged appearance, she loves him as much as I did. She also still has her two pink bears. When it's time for me to leave, usually she still whispers "What if they do come", but most of the time, she is able to drift off to sleep pretty quickly. I treasure this special time with my snuggly girl and hope it never ends. I feel like it's going so fast....6 is such a precious age, as they all have been. I want to freeze time. She tells me I'm her best friend. I ask her "Do you promise I'll still be your best friend when you are a teenager?" and she says yes. I really hope she's right.
I feel like I could never possibly forget all of these bed time rituals, but after reading the blog books with the kids, I've realized that I don't remember so much of what has happened. It makes me really sad to know these memories could be forgotten. So why will I remember this? I want to remember all of these precious times, and I'm going to make an effort to record the little things. It's the little things that really end up being the big things- you just don't realize it at the time.
With Colby, he really doesn't want to snuggle or hold my hand during the day, so this is really the only special time one-on-one time I get with him. Because he's trying to delay bed time, he will suddenly be open to talking about anything- school, swimming, friends, etc. Our routine for him starts with a tray of food brought up to his room by Lee...usually a grapefruit, bread and dipping oil, a dessert, and a fruit. This began when he was taking medication that reduced his appetite, so he truly needed the extra calories at night. Now, it's kind of just a habit because his current medication doesn't do that as much. After he eats, he gets read to by either me and Lee, and then part II of the routine begins. He gets an elaborate back rub (by me) that has a very particular order: back tickle, back massage, flip, stomach tickle, flip, feet and calf tickle. Then I lay with him for what's supposed to be 5 minutes. It always ends up more like 15, and I always say "one more minute" and make him repeat this back to me- otherwise he will claim he didn't hear me. Except it's never one more minute- we usually do this two or three times.
He does go right to sleep pretty quickly after all of this. If we start a stimulant medication soon, which we might do, things are going to get a little trickier because he will be hungrier and less tired. He still goes to sleep with his two duckies and his water bottle by his side. There's nothing I love more than seeing the sweet cuddly side of Colby, and I love knowing he still needs and wants his mamma.
Miller's routine is just as elaborate, but different. A year ago, she was very into doing "soldier hugs"- which means I had to lay stiff as a board in the CENTER of her bed, and she would lay stiff as a board on top of me. We would stay this way for a minute for our soldier hug.
Things have evolved now. Let me back up first and explain something that happened on Spring Break in Atlantis. Lee and Colby were down at the beach, and Miller and I were up in the hotel room. She was watching Dora, and I told her I was going down to the lobby to get a cup of coffee. Unbeknownst to me, she didn't hear me. When I got to the lobby, there was a very long line- about 30 minutes. It made me a little nervous, but I knew Miller knew where I was. Only she didn't. When I got up to the room, she was huddled in a chair, extremely upset, with tears streaming down her face. She thought she had been left. She looked out the window looking for Colby and dad, or me, and didn't see any of us. She told me she had decided that she was going to hide in the closet when the maids came. Smart girl- always planning ahead. I held her and assured her we would never ever leave her or forget her.
Something similar happened on the first day of school. (Colby's school starts before hers) I told her I was walking Colby to the far away bus stop, but she didn't understand that it was the one way up the hill- there's one by the playground and she thought that was what I meant. She looked outside after a few minutes, and I wasn't there. She began to panic and walked to our friend Jeanie's house and knocked on the door, but no one was home. I was actually at the other bus stop talking to Jeanie. When I finally came back about 15 minutes later, she was huddled on the couch crying and once again, thought she had been left. Mommy fail- again. :(
Miller is sometimes afraid of being left now because of those incidents. In addition to that, I told Colby and Miller about how Hanna Graham had been "kidnapped". I told them this to highlight the fact that they need to stay with me in public, be careful, etc. Well, sometimes the message can be given in a much more delicate manner...no need to kill a fly with a hammer as they say. As a result, Miller now has a fear of being kidnapped. She also heard an Amber alert in a Dairy Queen about a year ago, and that just confirms to her that kids her age get kidnapped.
Back to bed time.
First, we do a version of the solider hug, but it's a game that Miller has made up. The person on the top says something like "When I say 'some sort of silly phrase', you hug me". Then she will say all sorts of random and silly things, and eventually she will say the special phrase. That's my cue to give her a very tight squeeze. Really tight- as tight as I can. Then we switch and I'm the one who has to say the phrase. After this, we snuggle and we have named it "huggies and snuggies".
When it's finally time to leave, she used to go right to sleep. Until recently. She started saying every single night "What if they do come?". And by "they" she means the kidnappers. She was and is truly terrified. The anxiety seems to creep in right at bed time and she can't stop thinking about it. I have tried everything to convince her that she will not be kidnapped, but she says "You cannot predict the future". Well, that's true- she's not stupid. The worst part about it is that she said to me "Mom, I know what it feels like to be kidnapped. I felt that way in the hotel room and when you went to the bus stop, and it's a really bad feeling." She said that it's feeling really alone and she doesn't want to feel that way again. We have tried to tell her we live in a safe place, have cameras, have an alarm, but it's not working. Recently, we told her we have a Marine flag, and that no one would ever try to come into a house where a Marine lives. That's not working either. So, I added a new part to our routine- a relaxation exercise. We start by taking three very deep belly breaths. Then, I go down her body bit by bit and tell her to relax that part. It starts with hair follicles (her choice) and ends with toes. She has also added in there "cheek puffs", "booby bellies" (boobies) and belly boobie. (belly button). I've also used this exercise to teach her about muscles and body parts- biceps, triceps, hamstrings, calves, shins, achilles tendon. After all of that, I tell her she is all relaxed and ready for sleep. I've started giving her LeMutt, and despite his ragged appearance, she loves him as much as I did. She also still has her two pink bears. When it's time for me to leave, usually she still whispers "What if they do come", but most of the time, she is able to drift off to sleep pretty quickly. I treasure this special time with my snuggly girl and hope it never ends. I feel like it's going so fast....6 is such a precious age, as they all have been. I want to freeze time. She tells me I'm her best friend. I ask her "Do you promise I'll still be your best friend when you are a teenager?" and she says yes. I really hope she's right.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thoughts from the sick house
It's two days after Thanksgiving and Miller and I are home sick with the flu. I got sick the day before Thanksgiving and went to the ER on Thanksgiving night. The next day Miller was hit hard. Today (Saturday) she woke up with a fever of 105. Scary stuff.
Yesterday we picked up a blog book from when she was 1 years old and Colby was three. We read it together and were laughing hysterically at some of the stories. The sad and frightening thing is that I don't remember most of it. That means I won't remember what is happening now, and I'm not keeping any sort of journal.
I also realized that it's not the pictures I want to see- I can pull those up on iPhoto. What I want are the written words, stories, and thoughts. It also doesn't matter how much time has gone by...I can start now and shouldn't feel like I need to feel like I have to back track to do it.
Colby is in second grade and Miller is in first. Things are going well for both of them in school and swimming. What's really the focus now is Colby and trying to figure out the right medication combination for him. To say it has been a roller coaster ride would be an understatement. We have tried so many combinations- stimulants, non stimulants. They either work and have horrible side effects or don't work well enough. Right now, he's taking two non stimulants and they have not been working well for a long time. Our biggest problem, still, is his teasing of Miller and impulse control. He also does not follow directions at home and even the smallest of tasks are difficult. He does not take "no" for an answer and will argue with anyone. Punishments don't work. Rewards don't work. Charts don't work. NOTHING works.
He does well in school and doesn't seem to get in trouble, but I know that he's not working to his potential. It seems like it's unfair not to give him that opportunity to excel. As it is now, he has ideas but does not have the motivation or ability to follow through with them. This happens at home with everything- sports, toys, etc. At home he often has one sock on. Why? Because he started to take them off, got distracted, and went to do something else and forgot to take the other one off. He also only wants to play video games or have a friend to play with. That's it.
We tried wellbutrin which really worked well for him, especially with the teasing, but he had the side effect of nausea that would come in waves. It lasted for two months and usually happened during exercise. We were told by the pediatric GI that he was backed up, so we did a "clean out" and then tried the wellbutrin a few weeks later. Same result.
Now I think we need to try a stimulant again. I remember the horrible days of not eating and trouble sleeping, and I'm dreading dealing with that again. He also had a very bad rebound effect which usually hit him right after school. By 3:30 every day, we were in a bad place. But, we couldn't give any more stimulant or he wouldn't eat or sleep.
Now we might try Strattera (increased) with a lower dose stimulant. I have a meeting with the psychiatrist in a week to discuss. People who think parents should not medicate their child do not have a child with ADHD. Lucky them. It's not easy and it's extremely stressful. Our days revolve around Colby's emotions. If he's having a good day, we all have a good day. If he's having a bad day, we all have a bad day. We can't even do simple things as a family because the kids will fight. Something has to change.
When I was reading about Colby at 3, it made me really happy to see that he was the center of my world. I have had guilt that maybe I caused this issue between him and Miller, or that maybe I didn't give him enough attention. After reading the blog, I realized that I did do many special things with him and gave him as much love as I could. He was physically hurting her at the age of three, and he's gotten much smarter about it as he's gotten older. It's like a brain glitch that he can't turn off. That seems to be a separate issue related to impulse control and it's the biggest problem. The fact that he can't follow through with tasks will catch up to him at some point. We need to get things under control.
Colby has such a great group of friends- Jonathan, Julian, Dillon, Harrison, Aaron. He gets along with them and they like him, and other parents say that Colby is well behaved when he is at their house. Apparently the only place he is not well behaved is at home. I just want him to be happy, and I want Miller to be happy.
Colby is swimming well, but his ability to stick to his three days a week isn't going that well because he doesn't stick to what he says he's going to do. He has so much potential that he's not living up to, and it makes me sad.
I love this little boy so much and want to bring out the best in him. I just gotta figure out how to do it.
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